Catch 22

If you saw yesterday's Toronto Star you may have caught the curious case of Larissa Chism and Tara Ranzy, a lesbian couple from Indiana who married in Ontario. Their predicament is that they now wish to divorce and Ontario law stipulates that one spouse must reside in the Province for at least one year in order to have divorce granted. Of course Indiana does not legally allow or recognize gay marriage. Put it all together and you get some silliness.


Here is the article:

http://www.thestar.com/article/699523

Family Psychology

http://www.academicearth.org/lectures/intro-families-and-couples

Psychology of couples/families.

September Seminars and Thoughts

I've been away traveling in and around upstate New York for large parts of August so I missed posting an August blog and now its September! The Family Law Support Team at www.divorce-advice-ontario.com is going through a busy period. On Sept 16th and 24th we're running our 8th and 9th Seminars of the year. Since we launched in December of 2008 our seminars have been my favorite aspect of this venture, not just because I am always challenged and excited by the people I meet and the stories they tell, but also because these seminars have been the starting point for many long term relationships with people we've helped get clarity on their complex family law proceedings. To be honest I also enjoy the challenge of public speaking.

I've been thinking a lot recently about relationships, as I think everyone does, and how they relate to what I'm doing through work. There's definitely another level to divorce that the legal system and lawyers are usually incapable of addressing and that's the emotional toll that these situations take on people and the need to resolve that spectrum of divorce. I think it's important to allow yourself to grieve if you have been hurt by the loss "failure" of a marriage. In my opinion the best way to do that is to settle your differences with your ex quickly and outside of the court system. Too many people drag things out in court to get "back" at the other party but this only prevents them from moving on with their lives quicker and makes lawyers richer. That is why we always suggest settling to our clients. Try to look beyond the emotional issues so you can get the logistics completed, then you will have a blank slate to work on your personal issues.

Once you have the legal ties between you cut with a divorce order and you have agreed to your future association/disassociation through asset division, support, custody schedule, child support and so on, you can then go to work on the hard part of managing your psychology and personal life as a divorcee.

I'll write more about the concept of "failure" and how it applies to marriage and relationships (doesn't really exist at all) soon.

Warm Regards,

JL

Emotions and Divorce

Here is a quote from "Radical Honesty" by Brad Blanton. I highly recommend this book for EVERYONE, in particular if you are going through the emotional process of separation, divorce or have unresolved emotional energy from a divorce in your past, including your parent's divorce.

I found many of the ideas put forth in this title to be refreshing and useful. At the end of the day it is your own responsibility to manage your mental health, which can be easily lost in the shuffle of everyday life during a divorce proceeding.

"The process of forgiveness involves the following six minimal requirements, none of which may be skipped.

1. You have to tell the truth about what specific behav ior you resent, to the person, face-to-face;

2. You have to be verbally and vocally unrestrained with regard to volume and propriety;

3. You have to pay attention to the feelings and sensa tions in your body and to the other person as you speak;

4. You have to express any appreciations for the person that come up in the process, with the same attention to your feelings and to the other person as when you are expressing resentments;

5. You have to stay with any feelings that emerge in the process, like tears or laughter, regardless of any evalu ations you may have about how it makes you look;

6. You have to stay with the discussion until you no longer feel resentful of the other person.

Then, and only then, are you ready to talk about the future, make arrangements for the future, or make any agree-ments. Any lawyer, priest, psychotherapist, or other patrol-man who tells you differently about this is full of shit. Any diplomat, bureaucrat, democrat, labor leader, company executive, head of government, husband, wife, son, or daughter who attempts to do other than this is likewise full of shit."

Marriage

Nobody goes into a marriage thinking they are going to get divorced but with the rates of divorce what they are in our society it would make sense for adults, both men and women, to learn more about the institution of marriage, the industry of divorce and the psychology behind both. I have been following Paul Dobransky, M.D. who is an author and psychiatrist focusing on the area of relationships and Men's development (he can be found here: http://www.doctorpaul.net/about/) and he had some interesting things to say recently about marriage.

Recently Dr. Paul wrote:

"One thing is for sure - whether you are twenty
years old or eighty, you will one day have to make
your mind up about what you think of the legal
contract called marriage.

You might be surprised to hear that even if you
are a college student and view marriage as a vague
concept at least ten years away, it will actually
serve your dating life NOW, in a remarkable way,
to know ahead of time how it works, what the
challenges to our culture are, and especially what
your opinion of it is.

Why?

Because the desire to partner and the dream of
marriage is biologically hard-wired into a woman's
brain, and tied to whether she will even be
sexually attracted to you.

That's right. Your views on marriage and a woman's
passion for the concept don't just affect old
people. It directly impacts your sexual
attractiveness to women RIGHT NOW."

If you are interested in learning more about the psychological and biological basis of marriage I highly recommend his books. If you are already in the process of divorcing or are thinking about it I recommend you take a look at the divorce-advice-ontario.com website and the multitude of resources available for you so you can learn the logical (institution of divorce) laws so you can get on with your life and resolve the issues around your family law case without giving away your life savings to a lawyer.

Get divorced and help the environment

I recently read that in parts of Indonesia in order to get a divorce you must plant 50 trees. This is part of a government program to aid in assisting certain regions that have been influenced by deforestation. The article was unclear as to if the divorcing couples had to plat the 50 trees together or separately.

If you are considering a divorce in Ontario you won't need to grab a shovel any time soon but you will have to do some metaphoric digging into what your rights are and what the process is in Ontario. One way to do this is by ordering a video divorce kit from the Family Law Support Team which explains how to draft a divorce application or respond to one that has been served on you. The kit is meant as a learning tool to save you money so you do not need to spend it on a lawyer. For more information go here

What not to do with your children when you Separate

Story of missing daughter

It may be too early to know exactly what happened here.

What is important to remember is that decisions regarding the children in a family law case are always open to review by the courts so no decision is ever forever. On top of this, one day soon your children will be adults and they will remember your actions during the divorce period. It is important that you and your ex-spouse try and maintain positive relationships with your children and try not to use your children as leverage in your divorce. It will come back to haunt you when they are grown ups.